My Thoughts

It has been a long while since i blogged... The reason why i stopped blogging was that being lazy by nature, i don't have the urge to maintain my blog. besides, if i spend too much time on my blog, high opportunity costs would be incurred. i would have less time to study! as if.

Recently, I've so much in my mind that i really need someone i can talk to, someone who can listen to my problems. I'm not saying that there's no one at all for me to seek in. I just feel that at this point of time, the time when all my friends are stressing over the upcoming prelims, i should not further burden them with my problems. this is the reason why i decided to pay more attention to my blog.

Last year, i was walking past this horoscope reader where they actually predict what Year 2009 would be like for each of the horoscope.. I do not usually believe in horoscopes but i read mine anyway. All in all, it was trying to tell me that year 2009 isn't gonna be very smooth-sailing but there will be a guardian angel watching over me...
Who is my guardian angel? i wondered...

In early Feb this year, i got to know this guy whom i really enjoy talling to and hanging out with. It was really fun knowing him. It was a very happy occasion for me as it's really hard to find someone that i can talk to and comfortably confine in. soon, things turned out well and we started dating.

As what people say, the first few months of a relationship is aka the honeymoon period..true enough, the first few months was pretty smooth sailing even thou there were occasional arguments as i don't really know how to handle relationship well enough. i really thought that we were progressing really good as i increasingly believe that he's the guardian angel that i was looking for. i was really happy.

however, things started to go out of hand. He don't message or call me as much, and even if he does, it would be cold and unfriendly. i began to sense that something is really wrong. initially, i tried to persuade him to tell me the truth about his suddenly change in behaviour towards me. he claimed that he was just tired at work and that explained his weird behaviour. obviously i didn't trust what he said but i decided to trust whatever he told me for the time being.

i really thought by giving him more time, our relationship would be better but somehow, it just worsened. what could have happened? did i do something that made him angry again? i was damn worried for a week or so. couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt concentrate in lectures. my close friends urge me not to contact him at all as he's really a waste of time but i refuse to listen to what they say. i told them that he must have a reason for behaving like this.

Few days later, i decided that i would confront him. i asked him if he still likes me and would still want to be with me. his answer was yes. at that point of time, i was relieved and happy that he still feel the same way as he did in the past. i wasn't so worried.

however, he sent me a message few days later, saying that we cant go on anymore. i was seriously heartbroken. i asked him if there's someone that's causing our breakup but he said there's no one at all. its just his personal decision. i asked if we could still meet for the last time as i had decided to sew him this cross stitch for his birthday and he agreed to meet me once more. one day before our meet up, i was sewing till late night. then, i received a msg from him saying that he had lied to me. there is indeed someone that he's fond of and that's why he wants a breakup. i was even more heartbroken when i say that msg. i wasnt sad that he liked someone else. i was sad that he lied to me about this. that night, i was so pissed off that i threw my half sew cross stitch away. i didnt cry at all but my heart was truly shattered...

i decided to meet him as planned. when we met, i realised that he did not look into my eyes when he spoke to me prolly because he felt sorry towards me. it dont really matter now anyway. i wished him happy birthday and passed him a bagful of things that he gave me during the course of our relationship. for me, keeping the past would only increase my sadness.

we spoke for a while before we part. it was the afternoon of 2nd of July...

that was the last time i saw him....

after that day, i promised to get over him as soon as i could as i still have to worry for my studies. i might have told my friends that im over him but the truth of the matter is that im not the least over him at all. few days ago, he got together with that girl. i thought that this will make me forget him even faster. it didnt. in fact, i felt even more miserable.

i guess i have been hiding my feelings pretty well in front of my peers. i didnt mean to do it but i really hate looking depressed in front of my friends. i really hope one day, i would be really as happy as i appear to be. but the problem now is, when?

I've never liked a person so much before. the biggest failure in our relationship is prolly me. if i was able to translate my feelings into actions and words, things would prolly be different now..

but, there's no point lamenting as i've already decided to move on... it's gonna be tough but im gonna try no matter what. one thing im sure is that i might not recover so soon...